Caffienated Confessions

I once claimed to be a coffee enthusiast. Certainly I enjoyed my morning cup-a-joe but I didn't need it. I just enjoyed it...And it instantly improved my level of AlertnessAttentionAndOverallQualityOfLife. I could go without, if I really wanted or needed to, but I didn't. So each morning began with a mug of instant life force. Still--just an enthusiast.

Recently, however, I have been learning that without my morning mug I rarely seem to fully join the living. No matter how much sleep, no matter what hour I arise, whether I exercise or vegetate, I do not fully wake up until a cup of coffee (or several cups of strong tea) are coursing through my veins.

Confession: I, Jillian, am addicted to caffeine.

A Peptalk

Coach Chambers: Get moving! (from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" June 15 reflection. "Also...add to your faith..." -2 Peter 1:5)

"In the matter of drudgery. Peter said in this passage that we have become "partakers of the divine nature" and that we should now be "giving all diligence," concentrating on forming godly habits (2 Peter 1:4-5 ). We are to "add" to our lives all that character means. No one is born either naturally or supernaturally with character; it must be developed. Nor are we born with habits— we have to form godly habits on the basis of the new life God has placed within us. We are not meant to be seen as God’s perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life exhibiting the miracle of His grace. Drudgery is the test of genuine character. The greatest hindrance in our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do. Yet, "Jesus . . . took a towel and . . . began to wash the disciples’ feet . . ." ( John 13:3-5 ).

We all have those times when there are no flashes of light and no apparent thrill to life, where we experience nothing but the daily routine with its common everyday tasks. The routine of life is actually God’s way of saving us between our times of great inspiration which come from Him. Don’t always expect God to give you His thrilling moments, but learn to live in those common times of the drudgery of life by the power of God.

It is difficult for us to do the "adding" that Peter mentioned here. We say we do not expect God to take us to heaven on flowery beds of ease, and yet we act as if we do! I must realize that my obedience even in the smallest detail of life has all of the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it. If I will do my duty, not for duty’s sake but because I believe God is engineering my circumstances, then at the very point of my obedience all of the magnificent grace of God is mine through the glorious atonement by the Cross of Christ."

Coach M. Ward:Epistemology!

Coach Peter: "For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with sisterly affection, and sisterly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers and sisters, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2 Peter 1:5-11)

a memoir worth mulling over

the dark side of innocence: growing up bipolar
by Terri Cheney

This is the book I read and have been mulling over this week. Having depression myself, some passages deeply resonated with me and some I just found worth sharing. Here are a few:

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"Was this the kind of friend I was? Unreliable? Untrustworthy? Would I always be at the mercy of the Black Beast, unable to show up as I'd promised unless he was in the right kind of mood? Most of the sorrow in my life had come from unreliability: my father's failure to live up to my ideals, my mother's unpredictable storms. Now here I was, as guilty as either one of them.

I looked ahead into my future and saw an endless string of failed relationships: friendships I would surely sabotage, love I couldn't commit to. What in God's name was wrong with me? It would be so easy just to blame it all on the Black Beast, but some speck of honor, some modicum of truth, wouldn't let me do that. I truly didn't know how much of it was him and how much was simply me--at tragic character flaw that kept me trapped in infidelity" (242)

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"In fact, with the unexpected success of my book, I felt so good at times that I even wondered, was I still bipolar? In my community work, I saw many people who were much worse off that I was--deep in their disease in a way I no longer seemed to be. I knew that this often happens to manic-depressives: the brain forgets the ravages of the illness the way a woman forgets the pains of childbirth. You have to, to survive. But it's always a dangerous place to be, because you inevitably start to question the need for medication, therapy, and all the other rigorous stopgaps of sanity so carefully put into place to prevent another episode." (265)

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"I wanted--what? Revenge? Retribution? No. I wanted my childhood back.

"Tears welled up, and I welcomed them. Over the course of these many years, I've learned an important lesson: melancholia has its value. Sadness is not depression. Tears can heal, or so I hoped as I wiped them off my cheeks, my chin. I was still able to think clearly, logically, as I picked the pieces out of the puzzle and tried to rearrange them into some semblance of order.

It wasn't my parents' fault--it was nobody's fault--that I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain." (269)

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"...please, don't let the silence triumph. Listen and learn and read and discover and most of all, believe your child (or relative or friend). Name the Black Beast with the impunity if he dares to show his face. If there's one thing I can claim to know, it's this: naming a beast is always the first step toward taming him." (270)

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No matter what the illness (but particularly mental illnesses) there is a definite, and righteous, sense of loss. Those who suffer need the language of lamentation. Ironically, those of us with depression probably have the weakest grasp of lamenting; Oh we get despair, and I for one live into that far too often. But lament...to grasp the gravity and weight, to come to the doorstep of despair only to look up and see hope. Lament is acknowledging the complete brokenness which surrounds you, to mourn that loss in the light of hope.

Please know that mental illness is real. It is not something one wills, but it is real--it is sometimes more real than reality for it distorts all that we perceive, how we process, and how we react, and isn't input and output reality? It is a loss, a loss worth lamenting.

Gray

Saturday, May 15, 2010

We are neither |animals| nor |angels|.

animals- fully physical; indulgent in lust
angels- pure spirit; no lustful desires

We live |in the tension| betwixt the two.
If you have not yet read "SexGod" by Rob Bell we would encourage you to do so.


|Black| Gray |White|

Guess what. When it comes to relationships there's a whole lotta gray. We Christians tend to pendulum between two extremes--both hazardous in their own ways. First, as Christians we believe that we cannot simply go around indulging our fleshes' every desire. Fairly elementary (silver ring thing anybody?). The other extreme we tend to swing toward is a quasi-gnosticism (body=bad; spiritual is above and beyond the physical). However, implications of the incarnation, baby (literally) --> the physical world, our physical bodies, made of matter, matter. Oh the irony that we sometimes think matter doesn't matter.

Relationship application: Relationships cannot substantially exist or be built in simply a physical dimension; Nor can the physical be completely ignored if we are to be of any substance. As of now there hasn't yet been discovered some precise line of universally proper physical boundaries for each stage of a relationship. It is much easier if we go on believing there is...somewhere there lies a clear line between black and white, angels and animals...somewhere over the rainbow. Our relationships, at least all of those I've been in or witnessed, do not have precise formulas, spelled out, or clearly defined ways to grow. Rather there's a whole mess of gray--very messy indeed. But that's all part of the adventure. We don't have a map, we've got a guide and general sense of direction, from there we must use our own discernment and discretion.

[Still] Important to me

Sunday, November 21, 2010

(College App. Essays from 3 years ago. hehe)

Jillian Conner Hope College Application: “Something That is Important to Me”

The most important things in our lives are usually the things we put the most into: the most energy, the most money, the most effort, and the most time. It is easy to see where and how much people will invest in certain areas of their lives but sometimes this is not enough to measure true importance. The better question is how is it invested? That is why it took me the longest time to identify something that is important to me. What I did not understand was that there comes a point when we no longer feel we are constantly expending ourselves. Instead this certain aspect has become a part of our life, our identity. What has become one of these to me is the Youth Dance Ministry at my church.

Our Youth Dance Ministry began only a year ago as just a small group of girls meeting together once a week to dance, laugh, and eat brownies. It usually happens that where two or more teenage girls are gathered, gossip, drama and cattiness are sure to follow but thankfully this is not so with our group. Over the past year we have shared our stories and our vulnerabilities, which has connected us on the deepest level. It makes me laugh when I look back on what I used to call deep, meaningful friendships. Now I see those were just friends who were around me at the time, had similar interests and could tolerate me and vice versa. This group, our Youth Dance Ministry, is so much more than just a new set of friends—it is a community. Community is defined as a group of people with a common purpose. A community, though made up of individuals, is bigger than the individuals that make it up, just as its purpose is bigger than the community. Each individual contributes to the common interests of the group so that we can remain focused on sharing our faith through the art of dance.

The leader and founder of the Youth Dance Ministry is my dance teacher, Bethany Pellow. She continually shows true dedication to see the ministry and the people involved grow and mature. Because of Bethany’s naturally nurturing personality, her dance classes are often transformed into a form of dance therapy. Most of the girls involved have somewhat of a shy, demure nature, but Bethany has provided an environment where they feel free to open up. These girls who would never dream of even reading the announcements in Sunday School are up in front of a congregation of one-thousand, two-hundred people leading improvisational dance worship. The confidence we have all gained together never ceases to amaze me.

Bethany is more than just my teacher. She has been my mentor. A mentor, for me, has to be someone whom I respect and admire who is at least one life-stage ahead of me. Bethany is always willing to talk, to advise, to listen, and to care. This kind of care has been contagious; because of it I am now mentoring some of the younger girls in the ministry. I know what a difference it has made for me to have someone whose guidance I can trust and I wish to do the same for other girls. It is so significant when they open up and share with me about their day-to-day lives and the struggles they meet. I am able to look back and pull from my experiences and the guidance others have given me to guide them. The best thing is that they actually listen. Because I am not related or considered ancient, I am unable to receive the infamous “you don’t know what it’s like” in response to my advice. I am able to use my influence as a “cool senior” in a positive and very rewarding way.

The Youth Dance Ministry is a community where each individual supports one another emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We are able to reach out to the world around us even further because we have the assurance of that support. By learning to work together under pressure without snapping, we have come to recognize and be comfortable with people’s differences and preferences. We have had to engage one another in order to continue to bring ideas to the table, to create costumes, dance sequences, organize trips, rehearsals and much more. Because of this ministry each of us has become more the confident young women of God, ready to strive forward and make a difference in the world and that is something important.

Israel Trip (day by day)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Thursday Sept. 30, 2010

i went to the--> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_City_(Jerusalem). Saw the --> http://orthodoxwiki.org/Church_of_the_Holy_Sepulchre_(Jerusalem) and the -->http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_Wall . we ate --> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falafel for dinner.

Friday, October 1

utilized public transit--took a bus to the main market called the SHUK (http://www.inisrael.com/tour/jer/vt_market.htm , it is the center of the city. Had the most delicious frozen coffee and pastries (chocolate and marzipan croissants). Wandered through the market and different shopping distracts. Delicious, authentic falafels. Bartered for some bargains; still not good at mentally converting sheckles to dollars (1sheckel=$0.28). Took the wrong bus back...an hour of scenic detour. Down time then rehearsal.

Saturday, October 2

realized after an unsuccesful attempt at using the elevator, being hurried out of breakfast, and seeing the covered tv's and computers that today was SHABBAT. Jerusalem does not take the shabbat lightly. We mostly rehearsed and practiced our pieces throughout the day with some down time in between. We had rehearsal at the Pavillion (a renovated theater turned church) with the band. After 3 hours of practice a group of us went out to eat--soooooo delicious and affordable. Food coma/sleepy time.

Sunday, October 3

Went to the GERMAN QUARTER to pick up costumes. Hung around there till 1ish then caught a cab to the pavillion. Day of Prayer for the Peace of Jerusalem from 2-8--AMAZING view of the whole city (included in view: mt. moriah, mt zion, old city, mt. of olives, west bank, david's city, etc. etc.). Walked up MT. ZION, visited the DORMITION ABBEY and david's tomb. Walked through the armenian quarter. Ended up eating more delicious falafels for dinner. Packed up luggage at hostel.

Monday, October 4

Early trip to the SHUK for amazing pastries and coffee! So good and so cheap. Packed up at the hostel, one last trip to the 24 hour market called "Yellow" (and funny encounter with the employees there), and hopped in the rental car with Bethany, Ray (trumpet player from UK), and Kurt our kindly driver (drives the dance company; from Germany). We drove to DEAD SEA: the lowest point on earth. Mostly elderly people (who can afford to) at the Sea; but really what kid wouldn't love a warm sea (air temp. was 105 degrees) which you can float in vertically, and which has the most delightful mud for mud pies. It's quite comical to see all these well to-do adults slathering mud all over their body. Somethings are just undeniably enjoyable for humans. Saw the cities of Jericho and Jordan form a distance. Drove through the dessert and the WEST BANK--surreal; Tanks and building reunions scattered about. Had arabian food for dinner, explored TIBERIOUS a little, then went back to our inn in MIGDAL (where mary magdeline was from--beautifully situated between tall mountains and the sea of galilee. magical at dusk)

Tuesday, October 5

Banquet of a breakfast at the inn--mango, cottage cheese, veggies, pomegranate juice--all fresh. Olives and figs from the yard. We went to the TEL DAN nature reserve (http://www.parks.org.il/BuildaGate5/general2/data_card.php?Cat=%7E25%7E%7E970478950), the NIMROD FORTRESS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nimrod_Fortress), the village of MASADA which is occupied by welcoming DRUZE (http://www.everyculture.com/multi/Bu-Dr/Druze.html). Ate the best bakalwa of my life. Saw the VALLEY OF TEARS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valley_of_Tears) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six-Day_War). Hanging out at the inn and hitting the haystack soon!

Wednesday, October 6

Church of Fish of Loaves, Mensa Christi (Table of Christ- where Jesus made breakfast for his disciples), Mount of Beatitudes, saw the JESUS BOAT, went on the worship boat, Capernaum, and TIberius. Met a lovely Arabic family who spoke practically no English. Ended up having us take a picture with their little boy and giving us apples. The people here are so hospitable. Highlight: Hassidic Hippie Jews who blare music out of their shady van, stop, and have random dance parties in the street. Learned: DO NOT tell men what time it is if they ask!!!

[unfettered]

Sunday, April 25, 2010

"O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above."
-Come Thou Fount


This fickle heart of mine has a case of extreme A.D.D.. It is distracted by every sparkling, shiny object. The most popular object often being me. Utterly fixated on myself, like some narcissistically preening bird (*sighs and shakes head*). God's goodness is so good, so great. When His light, the true light, shines on me it immediately catches and grabs my attention and focus. When I focus on that, His ultimate goodness and grace, all else fades and pales in comparison. All those earthly things, primarily relationships, that I put my hope and heart into are put into proper perspective.

His goodness is the only good thing; "apart from [Him] I have no good thing" (from my life chapter--Psalm 16). I know this for I have experienced, lived, and reveled in His goodness. Yet, please recall, my heart is a fickle thing and humans are a giddy thing ("Much Ado" and Mumford). I am unbridled and unfettered. I'm learning that all I can do is let go and let God; raise up and surrender this mess that I am; this jumble of a heart's longings, wounded affections, and tangled emotions.

I long to be daily infatuated with Him and His goodness; not me, myself, and all that revolves around me--but enthralled with GOD. "YHWH, take this mess for I don't know what to do with it, with all it's brokenness and preciousness." And gladly He will take what is offered: this precious, beautiful mess of me.